Big Bend Awsome

Taking an impromptu trip is so cool.

I got burned out on work and fed up with stuff going on in Htown so just decided to take a trip with three days notice. Not thinking work liked it too much but I rock their job and the vac days were stuff i had from last year - so hell yeah!

Went to Big Bend nattypark and it was so good. Gave my head time to look at what I am up too in this life with a perspective of not having work to clutter my thinking and judgement.

Basically i figured out that I use work to avoid dealing with other things that I am not completely good or comfortable with. That and my other "drugs" of choice to escape reality seem to be Diet Coke (apsertaine + cafinee) in huge quantities and also junk foods.

The work one caught me kinda by suprise as its so pervasive in our culture to be lauded for work ethic and commitment whist is can obscure really living - and being a person that is really into stuff i played the workaholic card to the hilt. Granted it served its purpose for a time when the woman I was going to marry had issues that tore our relationship down.

Work was a refuge that allowed me to escape an emotional morass that i had no way to make better. It was the one place that my head was somewhat clear and functioning while the girl i loved went to the asylum for 6 months - then after that she just dissapeared out of my life without a word .

So thats the history of the work and diet cola addiction just things i have been using to exist not really live. It all just came crystal clear as i journaled and read on this adventure away from work.

Anyways the mountains the deserts are supremely beautiful there. The temperature changes per area type! The air is crystal- and the different animals and plants are vast and calming to look at ( ok i didnt see any of the bears or mountain lions the park has as those might not have been so calming). The funny thing a park brochure says is that everywhere you go in the park is the territory of one of the lions. That is so cool to know that the big cat owns the place and that I am just visiting in good spirit! Kind of puts a perspective on things.

So just being there taking it all in let me start to let myself want things again - stopped wanting things a couple years back as the things i wanted were not happening for me and hurting to much to keep those hopes alive. Mainly love stuff going a rye can fuck up the rest of my life pretty quick. Just one of my quirks that i wish i had a better handle on but i accept is as it is and try not to give myself too much grief over it.

Anyways with things getting good for me inside my heart and head i figure out in the middle of this amazing park space what I want:

I want to play and record music again - (gotta find a drummer to get stuff done - this one needs to happen soon - and its freaking hard to good ones are either in bands or have not time cause the ones i grew up with got stupid real jobs - ha look who's talking).

I want to make video art - (damn i haven't done that since college - freaking web whore that i am using my brain for cash and not art WTF? I learnt computers to make art not cash).

I want to work less and feel more - (kinda got this one under control bailing for the vac impromtu - that and the attitude that "i go to work cause i want to" not an attitude i had of " i got to work to keep them happy" thing going now).

I want a good woman in my life - (I found an awesome woman who's been right here all along BUT whilst I was sorting out my personal shit from a past relationship and not noticing how wonderful she is, she found another guy, so I don't know what to feel on this one right now its really raw on the heart).

I want to get back in to kick ass physical shape - ( so far so good 4 days back from vac and 4 kick ass days at the gym. Food thing is way good too as its mostly proteins and all with NO bullshit eating so far! Am getting off the diet coke slowly as the cafine addict headaches are absolutely day killing for me).

I want to live slower where i understand and really experience what i do each day. (Need to spend more time realizing what is around for the good and the bad - i tend to be too too too too goal oriented and am kinda - ok am superior in a bad way about shutting out living to get stuff done - hell i need not to do that to myself).

I want to be real with my friends and let them know more of who i am and not just be the busy dude that they come to for help when their lives are difficult -

I want to make choices that are healthy for me and make me a better person just not a working machine

ok that seems to be a good list - will tackle each one of these over the next couple of weeks just to clarify what the hell I am thinking.